Well…just when you think you might be getting yourself pulled back together, life is there to to laugh in your face, sucker punch you in the gut, and say, “Karma’s not done with you yet!” It’s been a rough go for me pretty much since breaking my back in November but especially lately, and I wrote a little bit about that last week. I was starting to move to a better frame of mind both mentally and physically but was dealt another huge blow today. Remember that little C. diff problem I wrote about near the end of February? Unfortunately, I found out today that it’s back or, most likely, never left. I received the news from my doctor when I was in the middle of a workshop I was helping conduct. After receiving the call, I tried my best to hold back the tears that were stinging my eyes and making me flush red with anger and put on a professional face until I was able to retreat to my car after completion of the workshop and break down. I just kind of slumped over the steering wheel, head down, and cried. This was just another thing to add to the list. I like to think that I am pretty strong and have a history of handling stress and adversity well, but I have to say, I don’t know how much more I can take.
What’s next? Thankfully, I saw my doctor yesterday as part of my follow-up from C. diff round one. I explained to her the issues I was having, and she didn’t hesitate to start me on medication to treat what she thought was a continuation from the original infection. Truthfully, the meds suck. I have to take them three times a day, and they leave me with a constant state of nausea. It’s a stronger version of what I took last time, and the medication duration is extended to 14 days. If you’re wondering why I am taking the same type of meds, I will fill you in. It’s because the medication my doctor wanted to prescribe would have cost me $452…with insurance (those without would have paid $2,000, which is highway robbery!!!!!). Even though I am fortunate enough to have a medical expenses card through my employer, that is not a cost I am comfortable spending this early in the year, especially knowing that I have appointments and potential tests with a gastro specialist looming in the next month and have four children to take care of in 2018. We shall see if this next course of medication knocks out the infection, but, regardless, I have a follow-up with a specialist in April. My doctor wants to confirm there is not an underlying health issues that contributed to the recurrence. Not to offend anyone here as I am not religious and I don’t pray, but if you could send along some positive vibes that there’s nothing serious there, I would appreciate it.
This brings me to running and racing this spring. As mad as I am that I have this stupid infection again, I refuse to let it ruin running for me, and, most importantly, I refuse to let it ruin me. For the past week, the only thing that has made me feel “normal” was running. Even if I didn’t necessarily feel like doing it, after I pleaded with my lazy self to get off the couch of self-loathing to run a few miles at the gym, I felt so much better. Running is part of who I am. It’s been my stress relief since 2009. I can’t let it go.
This obviously throws another wrench in what I refer to as an already disastrous Rite Aid Cleveland Marathon training cycle, but I refuse to quit. I made the smart decision when I was originally diagnosed with C. diff to drop from the full marathon to the half, and I stand by that decision. I now see this as a personal challenge of mind over body. Please don’t worry that I will compromise my health for a race, but I am going to do my best to take care of myself and take part in something I love that makes me feel strong, accomplished, and happy. Will I set a PR in Cleveland? Hell no. Will I even be able to run the whole race? Maybe is about the best answer I can give right now. I’m trying my hardest to shift my mindset from running this as an actual race to running this as an accomplishment of everything I’ve had to overcome in the past few months. I want my 2018 RACM experience to be an enjoyable one, one in which crossing the finish line is enough. One that makes me feel like I am enough.
run, smile, and be happy 